So, funny story...

In my last post I talked about Godly sorrow and my struggle with wanting to be a mom but not getting pregnant.  Well, funny story (which actually isn't funny at all but "funny" happens to be my favorite adjective - not sure why), I wrote that post while being pregnant and not knowing.  Now, sadly for us, God called our baby home just a week and two days after finding out.  I was 7 and 1/2 weeks pregnant at the time. 
"Funny story" comes into play with the fact that I shared my struggles, worries, and cares all while having an answered prayer.  I don't regret sharing all of that because they were real feelings.  I know that there are many women who have those same battles - waiting on God while trying to figure out if they should keep patiently waiting or joyfully move on. 
I'll save you from all of the details, but I do want to share that if it weren't for my Father in Heaven, Who used my husband, family, and friends to speak words of encouragement and take time to pray for me and my healing, this could have been bad. Well...it was bad, but it could have been very bad.  I'm grateful every day, and I thank God every day for the outpouring of love during this hard time. Sometimes, I didn't always want to hear those sweet words. I didn't want to know someone was praying for me because I wanted to be mad.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to just sit by myself and feel.  Experience all of the emotions that I was feeling.  When someone is encouraging you, sometimes, you feel like you have to be strong and can't show how broken you are, and boy, was I broken.  I still am. BUT God has healed so much of me, and He is still healing me.
There aren't many words that can describe the pain, doubt, hurt, sadness, and anger that take place within you when something like this happens.  Those of us who are "lucky" enough to experience it are the only ones who will ever truly know.  Until I was honest with myself about how I was feeling, I was just pretending to be okay. I masked how I was feeling to those around me as much as I could.  I finally realized that it was okay to be honest.  After all, I lost my baby.  The baby whose heartbeat I heard TWICE. The baby whose little arms were still only nubs when we got the second picture of him.  So of course, we need support and love (and oh do we need those prayers), but let us feel too.  Help us to be honest with ourselves so we can process everything and allow God to start His healing process.  Be there to keep us from spending too much time in our sorrow because you know the enemy likes to lie and thrives off of our weaknesses.  There is definitely a balance required to allow yourself to feel sad and upset and have questions but not stay there too long.  Come to the Father of all fathers.  He is good, no matter how you feel.  
One of my favorite verses is Mark 14:36, "Yet not what I will, but what you will", because life as a Christ follower cannot be about what I want in life or how I think life should go.  Why?  Because I cannot see the full picture of my life, only God can.  Why would I want to be in control of something that I know nothing about?  I have to trust the God who sees every day of my life.  I have to trust the One who knew my baby before he was formed in my womb because HE sees all.  'El Roi' is Hebrew for "The God Who Sees".  My husband shared this with me one day and I just loved it.  I loved the reminder that no matter what trial or joyful path I'm walking - He sees.  God saw something in the future of the pregnancy or the future of that child, something that led God to calling him home.  Questioning Him obviously ran through my mind, but what difference would it make to know His answer?  I'm not going to stop serving Him or loving Him.  I have lived life without Him, and I've lived life riding the fence. I never want to go back to either.  So, I will continue to serve Him, seek Him, and love Him.  After all, He answered so many of my prayers with this one little gift, and then He said "Not yet, my daughter.  Not yet." And I will trust Him.  
This week there have been a few verses God has used to speak to me and grow me, and I'd like to share them with you.  Whatever battle you're fighting or whatever trial you are walking through, trust Him.  Wholeheartedly.  I am trusting and hoping (with expectation) that He will grant us a rainbow baby, all in HIS timing.  Yet not what I will…



When God speaks

This week has been a week of truth speaking and embracing Godly sorrow.  Not as fun and exciting as my favorite things of the week but way more beneficial.

This Sunday God spoke.  He spoke to the congregation in my church.  He spoke through my husband who gave the message.  He spoke to me directly.  It was exactly what I needed and I didn't even know it.  

In my first post I mentioned that I was made to be a momma and the struggle with doubting that sometimes.  Well, I have been feeling so proud of myself (like I do anything in my own strength) because of how God has given me peace about possibly not becoming a mother biologically.  I kept thinking He had answered me and I was okay with His answer because He is still good.  I was excited about getting an answer because I thought with being at peace about it we will get to move forward with adoption sooner since whether or not we have children biologically we were called to adopt.

Sunday I realized that I was wrong.  He hasn't given me peace about it.  He hasn't answered me, yet.  Instead, He told me "embrace this Godly sorrow"... I'm sorry, what?  Here is a little backstory, since I was younger I never really shared my feelings and still don't.  Not my deep, heartfelt feelings.  Why?  Fear of rejection, fear of being found silly for my feelings, and fear of letting people get too close just so that they can leave me again.  Honestly, you can name a thousand reasons and they will probably all fit.  That is the heart behind the blog.  Sharing more of myself so that He may be glorified.

So, here it is... I need to embrace the sorrow that comes with the fact that I may not have children biologically.  Does it hurt to think about it, let alone write about it?  Of course.  If I don't let myself embrace this sorrow, I will never heal.  I was simply bandaging the wound instead of allowing my Savior to heal it.  I know that God does not call everyone to parenthood.  I know He does not call everyone to have children biologically.  I know all of that and that is why I didn't let myself embrace that sorrow but God wants me to so that I can be broken before Him, and He can revive my heart.  Hosea 6:3 is a beautiful reminder that if I acknowledge the Lord, His strength and the work He is doing in my life, He will come to me, and He will heal me. 

Now I know many of you have a few various questions like, have we really tried?  Have we gone to the doctor to get checked out?  Have we really prayed about it?  And my answers are maybe not, it would depend on your definition of "trying".  No, and I'm not sure that it would honestly give us the answers or peace we desire; however, it is something that we are going to discuss.  And, not together as often as we should.

When God speaks one grows.  We just need to listen.  If it is just my husband and me for the rest of our lives, I will still have a full heart.  If it happens, I will be so thankful to our Father but if not, He is still good.  I was reminded on Sunday that I need to enjoy where God has me now and not get caught up in the world and its' culture.  In my Armor of God study I learned that I can sometimes let comparative righteousness rule over me.  Isn't that one of the enemy's greatest tools?  Telling us lies and leading us to compare ourselves and our lives to everyone around us.  Well, God said enough.  The imputed righteousness, which came from His death on the cross for my sins, declares me innocent before God.  No more comparing, no more letting culture determine my thinking.  Why don't we, collectively, start embracing the Godly sorrow that may come so that we may be fully healed in Him.