In my last post I talked about Godly sorrow and my struggle with wanting to be a mom but not getting pregnant. Well, funny story (which actually isn't funny at all but "funny" happens to be my favorite adjective - not sure why), I wrote that post while being pregnant and not knowing. Now, sadly for us, God called our baby home just a week and two days after finding out. I was 7 and 1/2 weeks pregnant at the time.
"Funny story" comes into play with the fact that I shared my struggles, worries, and cares all while having an answered prayer. I don't regret sharing all of that because they were real feelings. I know that there are many women who have those same battles - waiting on God while trying to figure out if they should keep patiently waiting or joyfully move on.
I'll save you from all of the details, but I do want to share that if it weren't for my Father in Heaven, Who used my husband, family, and friends to speak words of encouragement and take time to pray for me and my healing, this could have been bad. Well...it was bad, but it could have been very bad. I'm grateful every day, and I thank God every day for the outpouring of love during this hard time. Sometimes, I didn't always want to hear those sweet words. I didn't want to know someone was praying for me because I wanted to be mad. I wanted to cry. I wanted to just sit by myself and feel. Experience all of the emotions that I was feeling. When someone is encouraging you, sometimes, you feel like you have to be strong and can't show how broken you are, and boy, was I broken. I still am. BUT God has healed so much of me, and He is still healing me.
There aren't many words that can describe the pain, doubt, hurt, sadness, and anger that take place within you when something like this happens. Those of us who are "lucky" enough to experience it are the only ones who will ever truly know. Until I was honest with myself about how I was feeling, I was just pretending to be okay. I masked how I was feeling to those around me as much as I could. I finally realized that it was okay to be honest. After all, I lost my baby. The baby whose heartbeat I heard TWICE. The baby whose little arms were still only nubs when we got the second picture of him. So of course, we need support and love (and oh do we need those prayers), but let us feel too. Help us to be honest with ourselves so we can process everything and allow God to start His healing process. Be there to keep us from spending too much time in our sorrow because you know the enemy likes to lie and thrives off of our weaknesses. There is definitely a balance required to allow yourself to feel sad and upset and have questions but not stay there too long. Come to the Father of all fathers. He is good, no matter how you feel.
One of my favorite verses is Mark 14:36, "Yet not what I will, but what you will", because life as a Christ follower cannot be about what I want in life or how I think life should go. Why? Because I cannot see the full picture of my life, only God can. Why would I want to be in control of something that I know nothing about? I have to trust the God who sees every day of my life. I have to trust the One who knew my baby before he was formed in my womb because HE sees all. 'El Roi' is Hebrew for "The God Who Sees". My husband shared this with me one day and I just loved it. I loved the reminder that no matter what trial or joyful path I'm walking - He sees. God saw something in the future of the pregnancy or the future of that child, something that led God to calling him home. Questioning Him obviously ran through my mind, but what difference would it make to know His answer? I'm not going to stop serving Him or loving Him. I have lived life without Him, and I've lived life riding the fence. I never want to go back to either. So, I will continue to serve Him, seek Him, and love Him. After all, He answered so many of my prayers with this one little gift, and then He said "Not yet, my daughter. Not yet." And I will trust Him.
This week there have been a few verses God has used to speak to me and grow me, and I'd like to share them with you. Whatever battle you're fighting or whatever trial you are walking through, trust Him. Wholeheartedly. I am trusting and hoping (with expectation) that He will grant us a rainbow baby, all in HIS timing. Yet not what I will…