Execute? Execute what?

In our women's ministry, Daughters of the King (aka DOTK), this year we were challenged to pray about a word and a verse specific to what God wants us to do or learn this year. At one of our monthly gatherings we shared our words and verses for accountability. My word and verse this year did not come as a surprise, but I was certainly in awe of His goodness as I really felt God start moving us in this direction last year. With our miscarriage last November, we ended the year just focusing on healing. 

When I was praying about this word, this verse, this next step in this season of life I kept getting "execute" ... um, what? It reminded me of an execution so I, naturally, questioned God. I took to google and started researching the definition of execute and then looked up passages in the Bible where this word was mentioned. I read a specific passage and immediately had to repent for questioning Him. I mean hello, He is all knowing and I am .... not. Definitely not. Deuteronomy 10:18: "He executes justice for the fatherless and widow, and loves the foreigner, giving him food and clothing." Insert wide eye emoji here. 

Let me back track for you, towards the end of last year we really started talking about a few things that tie into this verse. The first was creating our home for hospitality since we felt God was growing a desire in our hearts to open our home to others such as our neighbors and family from church. We just want God to use us to love on others, whatever that looks like. the second actually started with as a small thought when we first got married. The Lord really grew that desire in my heart over the last four years and I started praying for the desire in my husband's heart to grow as well, but it wasn't until we struggled with infertility and loss that our eyes were opened to much more than just becoming parents to children biologically. You see, I had become consumed by the desire to be a mom, to get pregnant, to plan out pregnancy announcements and a registry that I was not listening to what God was trying to tell me. I think back to the years where I just wanted a positive pregnancy test or even just a normal cycle to track and I feel just awful about the time I wasted on my own desires. I was chasing my own kind of happiness and because of this, I was so far removed from my Father in Heaven and what He was trying to call us to. Needless to say, my spiritual life suffered. 

Back to present time, I questioned Him and His goodness. Silly me, God's word is full of promises such as, Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you”—this is the Lord’s declaration—“plans for your welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. " and Romans 8:28: "We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose. ". 

One of my favorite reminders is in Luke 12:6 & 7: "Aren’t five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten in God’s sight. Indeed, the hairs of your head are all counted. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows! ". 

Sadly, I was consumed by something that could not give me pure joy, hope and purpose like my Father in Heaven can. During this time I was not the one who was forgotten, my Daddy was. I knew I needed a renewed spirit so I cried out to God and He granted it to me. My husband and I were praying about how to create a home for hospitality, and about adoption and it was then that we decided to purchase resources. Well, after we started reading and really praying about it all, that was when He gave me my word and verse. I was just amazed that in my chaos He saw order. He had a purpose and a plan for the path we had been walking, I just needed to focus on Him to hear what He was telling me. 

During these months, and through praying and reading this verse often, He has also opened our eyes to the importance and need of fostering which makes my verse of the year even more relevant. God truly knows it all. He truly is better at planning my life then I ever will be, so I have fully and faithfully handed it over to me. Am I nervous about what is to come? Of course BUT God is with us, goes before us and has us in the palms of His hands. 
I charge you to take time to spend in the presence of our Heavenly Father. Be still and quiet long enough to hear from Him. Perhaps, He has more for you than you can think or imagine.

Define healing...

"The process of making or becoming sound or healthy again". That sounds about right. I am in the process of becoming sound\healthy again. If you haven't read about the loss of a little love of mine, you can read it here. It has been two whole months since our teeny, tiny babe went home to be with our Lord. I long for the day to meet him or her. To see them the way God created them to be. To love on them the way God created me to do. 

My thoughtful and darling husband researched a few things after the loss, and one happened to be ways to cope or heal. He found that honoring their memory is a big step toward healing so we exchanged ideas and decided on something that I absolutely love. It really brings me so much joy and is a constant reminder that the King of Kings is still on the throne caring, loving, and answering me. Last night I was looking at it, and while praying and talking to my Father about baby J (that is what I nicknamed our little babe when I found out because both my husband and I have names that begin with J), I felt Him tell me it was time to share a little more. More specifically, it was time to share what we have done to honor his\her memory. I really am so excited to share this but a part of me is really nervous too. Putting myself out there and sharing something that is so intimately personal to me is scary. Part of it may be that it makes it more real too. In Romans 8:18, "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is going to be revealed to us." I am reminded all that I experience on this side of heaven is only for a brief period of time, it is not forever and it certainly does not compare to the glory that is to come. How I handle the sufferings either glorifies God or it doesn't. When I am squeezed to the point of exploding, I want it to be Jesus that comes out. It should be love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).

Before I show you the cutest thing in the world, I have to give you some back story. My husband was out of the country when I found out, but he was coming home two days later, and I knew I wanted to tell him in a sweet way. Naturally, I took to Pinterest and found the perfect thing, a onesie that said "answered prayer". Iron on letters + onesie = perfect present. It still is one of my favorite gifts I have ever given. ;) 

The top left is our very first picture of Baby J. It also happens to be the day I found out I was pregnant and the first time I heard the heartbeat. I was 6 weeks and 4 days. Top right and bottom middle (bottom middle is in 3D) are from when my husband and I went together and he got to hear the heartbeat and see Baby J. I was 7 weeks and 3 days. We went back in because I was having some bleeding but they said that the baby was healthy and growing (you can see his little arm nubs); however, that Friday is when we lost the baby (7 weeks and 6 days). 

Sharing this is so hard but so worth it. I don't want to ever feel like what happened was my fault or like it's some secret I need to keep and I certainly do not want anyone else who has walked through this to feel that way either. One in four women experience miscarriage and I just happen to be that one. You know what? It is an honor to be used by God. To share my experience is the heart of this blog so that others may see the grace and love of Christ a little more clearly and see that it is offered to us all.

The healing process is long, and some days you feel like you take two steps forward and others, like you take five steps backwards BUT there is never a day where I am left to heal on my own. My Abba Father is always with me.

A loss like no other.

In my last post I talked about Godly sorrow and my struggle with wanting to be a mom but not getting pregnant.  Well, interestingly enough, I wrote that post while being pregnant and not knowing.  Now, sadly for us, God called our baby home just a week and two days after finding out.  I was 7 and 1/2 weeks pregnant at the time. 

It is crazy to think that I shared my struggles, worries, and cares all while having an answered prayer.  I don't regret sharing all of that because they were real feelings.  I know that there are many women who have those same battles - waiting on God while trying to figure out if they should keep patiently waiting or joyfully move on. 

I'll save you from all of the details, but I do want to share that if it weren't for my Father in Heaven, Who used my husband, family, and friends to speak words of encouragement and take time to pray for me and my healing, this could have been bad. Well...it was bad, but it could have been very bad.  I'm grateful every day, and I thank God every day for the outpouring of love during this hard time. Sometimes, I didn't always want to hear those sweet words. I didn't want to know someone was praying for me because I wanted to be mad.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to just sit by myself and feel.  Experience all of the emotions that I was feeling.  When someone is encouraging you, sometimes, you feel like you have to be strong and can't show how broken you are, and boy, was I broken.  I still am. BUT God has healed so much of me, and He is still healing me.

There aren't many words that can describe the pain, doubt, hurt, sadness, and anger that take place within you when something like this happens.  Those of us who are "lucky" enough to experience it are the only ones who will ever truly know.  Until I was honest with myself about how I was feeling, I was just pretending to be okay. I masked how I was feeling to those around me as much as I could.  I finally realized that it was okay to be honest.  After all, I lost my baby.  The baby whose heartbeat I heard TWICE. The baby whose little arms were still only nubs when we got the second picture of him.  So of course, we need support and love (and oh do we need those prayers), but let us feel too.  Help us to be honest with ourselves so we can process everything and allow God to start His healing process.  Be there to keep us from spending too much time in our sorrow because you know the enemy likes to lie and thrives off of our weaknesses.  There is definitely a balance required to allow yourself to feel sad and upset and have questions but not stay there too long.  Come to the Father of all fathers.  He is good, no matter how you feel.  

One of my favorite verses is Mark 14:36, "Yet not what I will, but what you will", because life as a Christ follower cannot be about what I want in life or how I think life should go.  Why?  Because I cannot see the full picture of my life, only God can.  Why would I want to be in control of something that I know nothing about?  I have to trust the God who sees every day of my life.  I have to trust the One who knew my baby before he was formed in my womb because HE sees all.  'El Roi' is Hebrew for "The God Who Sees".  My husband shared this with me one day and I just loved it.  I loved the reminder that no matter what trial or joyful path I'm walking - He sees.  God saw something in the future of the pregnancy or the future of that child, something that led God to calling him home.  Questioning Him obviously ran through my mind, but what difference would it make to know His answer?  I'm not going to stop serving Him or loving Him.  I have lived life without Him, and I've lived life riding the fence. I never want to go back to either.  So, I will continue to serve Him, seek Him, and love Him.  After all, He answered so many of my prayers with this one little gift, and then He said "Not yet, my daughter.  Not yet." And I will trust Him.  

This week there have been a few verses God has used to speak to me and grow me, and I'd like to share them with you.  Whatever battle you're fighting or whatever trial you are walking through, trust Him.  Wholeheartedly.  I am trusting and hoping (with expectation) that He will grant us a rainbow baby, all in HIS timing.  Yet not what I will…