Define healing...

"The process of making or becoming sound or healthy again". That sounds about right. I am in the process of becoming sound\healthy again. If you haven't read about the loss of a little love of mine, you can read it here. It has been two whole months since our teeny, tiny babe went home to be with our Lord. I long for the day to meet him or her. To see them the way God created them to be. To love on them the way God created me to do. 

My thoughtful and darling husband researched a few things after the loss, and one happened to be ways to cope or heal. He found that honoring their memory is a big step toward healing so we exchanged ideas and decided on something that I absolutely love. It really brings me so much joy and is a constant reminder that the King of Kings is still on the throne caring, loving, and answering me. Last night I was looking at it, and while praying and talking to my Father about baby J (that is what I nicknamed our little babe when I found out because both my husband and I have names that begin with J), I felt Him tell me it was time to share a little more. More specifically, it was time to share what we have done to honor his\her memory. I really am so excited to share this but a part of me is really nervous too. Putting myself out there and sharing something that is so intimately personal to me is scary. Part of it may be that it makes it more real too. In Romans 8:18, "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is going to be revealed to us." I am reminded all that I experience on this side of heaven is only for a brief period of time, it is not forever and it certainly does not compare to the glory that is to come. How I handle the sufferings either glorifies God or it doesn't. When I am squeezed to the point of exploding, I want it to be Jesus that comes out. It should be love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).

Before I show you the cutest thing in the world, I have to give you some back story. My husband was out of the country when I found out, but he was coming home two days later, and I knew I wanted to tell him in a sweet way. Naturally, I took to Pinterest and found the perfect thing, a onesie that said "answered prayer". Iron on letters + onesie = perfect present. It still is one of my favorite gifts I have ever given. ;) 

The top left is our very first picture of Baby J. It also happens to be the day I found out I was pregnant and the first time I heard the heartbeat. I was 6 weeks and 4 days. Top right and bottom middle (bottom middle is in 3D) are from when my husband and I went together and he got to hear the heartbeat and see Baby J. I was 7 weeks and 3 days. We went back in because I was having some bleeding but they said that the baby was healthy and growing (you can see his little arm nubs); however, that Friday is when we lost the baby (7 weeks and 6 days). 

Sharing this is so hard but so worth it. I don't want to ever feel like what happened was my fault or like it's some secret I need to keep and I certainly do not want anyone else who has walked through this to feel that way either. One in four women experience miscarriage and I just happen to be that one. You know what? It is an honor to be used by God. To share my experience is the heart of this blog so that others may see the grace and love of Christ a little more clearly and see that it is offered to us all.

The healing process is long, and some days you feel like you take two steps forward and others, like you take five steps backwards BUT there is never a day where I am left to heal on my own. My Abba Father is always with me.

When God speaks

This week has been a week of truth speaking and embracing Godly sorrow.  Not as fun and exciting as my favorite things of the week but way more beneficial.

This Sunday God spoke.  He spoke to the congregation in my church.  He spoke through my husband who gave the message.  He spoke to me directly.  It was exactly what I needed and I didn't even know it.  

In my first post I mentioned that I was made to be a momma and the struggle with doubting that sometimes.  Well, I have been feeling so proud of myself (like I do anything in my own strength) because of how God has given me peace about possibly not becoming a mother biologically.  I kept thinking He had answered me and I was okay with His answer because He is still good.  I was excited about getting an answer because I thought with being at peace about it we will get to move forward with adoption sooner since whether or not we have children biologically we were called to adopt.

Sunday I realized that I was wrong.  He hasn't given me peace about it.  He hasn't answered me, yet.  Instead, He told me "embrace this Godly sorrow"... I'm sorry, what?  Here is a little backstory, since I was younger I never really shared my feelings and still don't.  Not my deep, heartfelt feelings.  Why?  Fear of rejection, fear of being found silly for my feelings, and fear of letting people get too close just so that they can leave me again.  Honestly, you can name a thousand reasons and they will probably all fit.  That is the heart behind the blog.  Sharing more of myself so that He may be glorified.

So, here it is... I need to embrace the sorrow that comes with the fact that I may not have children biologically.  Does it hurt to think about it, let alone write about it?  Of course.  If I don't let myself embrace this sorrow, I will never heal.  I was simply bandaging the wound instead of allowing my Savior to heal it.  I know that God does not call everyone to parenthood.  I know He does not call everyone to have children biologically.  I know all of that and that is why I didn't let myself embrace that sorrow but God wants me to so that I can be broken before Him, and He can revive my heart.  Hosea 6:3 is a beautiful reminder that if I acknowledge the Lord, His strength and the work He is doing in my life, He will come to me, and He will heal me. 

Now I know many of you have a few various questions like, have we really tried?  Have we gone to the doctor to get checked out?  Have we really prayed about it?  And my answers are maybe not, it would depend on your definition of "trying".  No, and I'm not sure that it would honestly give us the answers or peace we desire; however, it is something that we are going to discuss.  And, not together as often as we should.

When God speaks one grows.  We just need to listen.  If it is just my husband and me for the rest of our lives, I will still have a full heart.  If it happens, I will be so thankful to our Father but if not, He is still good.  I was reminded on Sunday that I need to enjoy where God has me now and not get caught up in the world and its' culture.  In my Armor of God study I learned that I can sometimes let comparative righteousness rule over me.  Isn't that one of the enemy's greatest tools?  Telling us lies and leading us to compare ourselves and our lives to everyone around us.  Well, God said enough.  The imputed righteousness, which came from His death on the cross for my sins, declares me innocent before God.  No more comparing, no more letting culture determine my thinking.  Why don't we, collectively, start embracing the Godly sorrow that may come so that we may be fully healed in Him.