Define healing...

"The process of making or becoming sound or healthy again". That sounds about right. I am in the process of becoming sound\healthy again. If you haven't read about the loss of a little love of mine, you can read it here. It has been two whole months since our teeny, tiny babe went home to be with our Lord. I long for the day to meet him or her. To see them the way God created them to be. To love on them the way God created me to do. 

My thoughtful and darling husband researched a few things after the loss, and one happened to be ways to cope or heal. He found that honoring their memory is a big step toward healing so we exchanged ideas and decided on something that I absolutely love. It really brings me so much joy and is a constant reminder that the King of Kings is still on the throne caring, loving, and answering me. Last night I was looking at it, and while praying and talking to my Father about baby J (that is what I nicknamed our little babe when I found out because both my husband and I have names that begin with J), I felt Him tell me it was time to share a little more. More specifically, it was time to share what we have done to honor his\her memory. I really am so excited to share this but a part of me is really nervous too. Putting myself out there and sharing something that is so intimately personal to me is scary. Part of it may be that it makes it more real too. In Romans 8:18, "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is going to be revealed to us." I am reminded all that I experience on this side of heaven is only for a brief period of time, it is not forever and it certainly does not compare to the glory that is to come. How I handle the sufferings either glorifies God or it doesn't. When I am squeezed to the point of exploding, I want it to be Jesus that comes out. It should be love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).

Before I show you the cutest thing in the world, I have to give you some back story. My husband was out of the country when I found out, but he was coming home two days later, and I knew I wanted to tell him in a sweet way. Naturally, I took to Pinterest and found the perfect thing, a onesie that said "answered prayer". Iron on letters + onesie = perfect present. It still is one of my favorite gifts I have ever given. ;) 

The top left is our very first picture of Baby J. It also happens to be the day I found out I was pregnant and the first time I heard the heartbeat. I was 6 weeks and 4 days. Top right and bottom middle (bottom middle is in 3D) are from when my husband and I went together and he got to hear the heartbeat and see Baby J. I was 7 weeks and 3 days. We went back in because I was having some bleeding but they said that the baby was healthy and growing (you can see his little arm nubs); however, that Friday is when we lost the baby (7 weeks and 6 days). 

Sharing this is so hard but so worth it. I don't want to ever feel like what happened was my fault or like it's some secret I need to keep and I certainly do not want anyone else who has walked through this to feel that way either. One in four women experience miscarriage and I just happen to be that one. You know what? It is an honor to be used by God. To share my experience is the heart of this blog so that others may see the grace and love of Christ a little more clearly and see that it is offered to us all.

The healing process is long, and some days you feel like you take two steps forward and others, like you take five steps backwards BUT there is never a day where I am left to heal on my own. My Abba Father is always with me.

Show and Tell Tuesday #1

Happy New Year, friends! I decided to start this year (on the blog) with a link up post. All of the topics are so fun. If you don't blog, enjoy following along but if you do, don't forget to link up with Andrea! Happy Tuesday. :)

So today's topic is Steal & Splurge. Maybe this sounds crazy, but I love sharing how we budget and save because it is something that actually works for us. It's the handy-dandy envelope system from Financial Peace University created by Dave Ramsey. My husband and I absolutely love it. It is eye opening to see how much money you could actually be saving. Insert wide-eyed emoji here.

FPU basically allows you to see the numbers in your budget as they really are as well as your debt. Our goal is to pay off our debt by the time we are 35 (God willing), so this allowed us to see how much we bring in, how much we need to live, how much we owe and how much we are wasting. By the grace of God and the help with FPU, we only owe on student loans as well as our vehicle (that we share). Do not be overwhelmed! It will take time and you may mess up a time or two but it is so worth it. If you are looking for a new way to budget or just need a budget in general, I highly recommend that you check out FPU. You'll thank me later. ;)

Ways we save include sharing a vehicle. This obviously won't work for everyone, but thankfully it works for us! We have the same work schedule and only work about 7 minutes away from each other. This allows us to save on gas and car insurance. Now, I am not a coupon-er (not a word but lets roll with it); however, I do watch for sales on laundry detergent, cleaning supplies, and of course clothing because those items can add up pretty quickly. I am a total toilet paper snob so I will splurge on it and get Cottonelle (Clean Care to be exact). As far as clothing goes, I seriously cannot buy anything that is full price and sometimes my husband will tell me that I cannot expect to always pay $5 for a shirt - haha. Maybe it's more than $5 but it absolutely must be on sale (and a good sale) or it must be a store like TJ Maxx. I also love Khols because they almost always have a sale going on as well as provide a percentage off. When it comes to groceries, I really do not need name brand items; however, I do try to purchase Organic or All Natural items so maybe this is a splurge? On to date night, we typically like to splurge on date night so that means pop-corn, movies, dinner, and dessert. The whole nine yards. Date night is super important to me and I believe ALL couples need to date each other and date AT LEAST once a month. To save, we do a lot of at home date nights which we both love because we are home-bodies. 

A loss like no other.

In my last post I talked about Godly sorrow and my struggle with wanting to be a mom but not getting pregnant.  Well, interestingly enough, I wrote that post while being pregnant and not knowing.  Now, sadly for us, God called our baby home just a week and two days after finding out.  I was 7 and 1/2 weeks pregnant at the time. 

It is crazy to think that I shared my struggles, worries, and cares all while having an answered prayer.  I don't regret sharing all of that because they were real feelings.  I know that there are many women who have those same battles - waiting on God while trying to figure out if they should keep patiently waiting or joyfully move on. 

I'll save you from all of the details, but I do want to share that if it weren't for my Father in Heaven, Who used my husband, family, and friends to speak words of encouragement and take time to pray for me and my healing, this could have been bad. Well...it was bad, but it could have been very bad.  I'm grateful every day, and I thank God every day for the outpouring of love during this hard time. Sometimes, I didn't always want to hear those sweet words. I didn't want to know someone was praying for me because I wanted to be mad.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to just sit by myself and feel.  Experience all of the emotions that I was feeling.  When someone is encouraging you, sometimes, you feel like you have to be strong and can't show how broken you are, and boy, was I broken.  I still am. BUT God has healed so much of me, and He is still healing me.

There aren't many words that can describe the pain, doubt, hurt, sadness, and anger that take place within you when something like this happens.  Those of us who are "lucky" enough to experience it are the only ones who will ever truly know.  Until I was honest with myself about how I was feeling, I was just pretending to be okay. I masked how I was feeling to those around me as much as I could.  I finally realized that it was okay to be honest.  After all, I lost my baby.  The baby whose heartbeat I heard TWICE. The baby whose little arms were still only nubs when we got the second picture of him.  So of course, we need support and love (and oh do we need those prayers), but let us feel too.  Help us to be honest with ourselves so we can process everything and allow God to start His healing process.  Be there to keep us from spending too much time in our sorrow because you know the enemy likes to lie and thrives off of our weaknesses.  There is definitely a balance required to allow yourself to feel sad and upset and have questions but not stay there too long.  Come to the Father of all fathers.  He is good, no matter how you feel.  

One of my favorite verses is Mark 14:36, "Yet not what I will, but what you will", because life as a Christ follower cannot be about what I want in life or how I think life should go.  Why?  Because I cannot see the full picture of my life, only God can.  Why would I want to be in control of something that I know nothing about?  I have to trust the God who sees every day of my life.  I have to trust the One who knew my baby before he was formed in my womb because HE sees all.  'El Roi' is Hebrew for "The God Who Sees".  My husband shared this with me one day and I just loved it.  I loved the reminder that no matter what trial or joyful path I'm walking - He sees.  God saw something in the future of the pregnancy or the future of that child, something that led God to calling him home.  Questioning Him obviously ran through my mind, but what difference would it make to know His answer?  I'm not going to stop serving Him or loving Him.  I have lived life without Him, and I've lived life riding the fence. I never want to go back to either.  So, I will continue to serve Him, seek Him, and love Him.  After all, He answered so many of my prayers with this one little gift, and then He said "Not yet, my daughter.  Not yet." And I will trust Him.  

This week there have been a few verses God has used to speak to me and grow me, and I'd like to share them with you.  Whatever battle you're fighting or whatever trial you are walking through, trust Him.  Wholeheartedly.  I am trusting and hoping (with expectation) that He will grant us a rainbow baby, all in HIS timing.  Yet not what I will…

A few tears, and a lot of love

10 Finally, be strengthened by the Lord and by His vast strength. 11 Put on the full armor of God so that you can stand against the tactics[a] of the Devil. 12 For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the world powers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens. 13 This is why you must take up the full armor of God, so that you may be able to resist in the evil day, and having prepared everything, to take your stand. 14 Stand, therefore,

with truth like a belt around your waist,

righteousness like armor on your chest,

15 

and your feet sandaled with readiness

for the gospel of peace.[b]

16 

In every situation take the shield of faith,

and with it you will be able to extinguish

all the flaming arrows of the evil one.

17 

Take the helmet of salvation,

and the sword of the Spirit,

which is God’s word.

18 Pray at all times in the Spirit with every prayer and request, and stay alert in this with all perseverance and intercession for all the saints.

Ephesians 6:10-18.  Good stuff, eh?

My lovely DOTK (Daughter's of the King) group at church is currently in the third week of Priscilla Shirer's Armor of God study, and WHOA - it is awesome.  Remember when I wrote about how the enemy likes to declare battles when you get serious about getting serious with God?  I wasn't kidding.  This past Sunday was an incredibly difficult day for me both, spiritually and physically.  Y'all, I was a mess.  Sidenote: I still can't believe that I'm here, writing, and sharing my feelings...I just don't do this sort of thing, BUT GOD has a plan.  

Okay, so I was a mess.  Like Kim Kardashian mess.  See below for visual:

 

I was mess for numerous reasons, insecurity, doubting God, irritation with my husband (he seriously is the best, I'm sensitive to a fault), just to name a few.  And for most of the day I was ugly, angry, distraught, and sad until I remembered what Priscilla shares in the first week of this study, "The most troubling things in your life - things you perceive with your five physical senses - are not your real issue.  Though you may be wrestling with them verbally, emotionally, financially, even physically, you are wasting precious time and energy that needs to be reserved for the real culprit - the one who is behind the scenes, striving to direct the details of some of your most acute difficulties.  Everything that occurs in the visible, physical world is directly connected to the wrestling match being waged in the invisible, spiritual world.". 

Caught ya! Ya sneaky, little snake. What I've learned is that the enemy wants us to forget about him.  He wants us to blame and hate everything, and everyone.  When we do this, we let him win.  We allow ourselves to get caught up in the world around us, things that take place in our personal lives, and anything else that doesn't go as planned or as smooth as we would like and we totally forget who is behind it all - the enemy.  Granted, sometimes things happen in order for God to grab our attention, and for Him to teach us something, but Holy Spirit will help you discern that.  

God has blessed me with a husband who is patient, and loving.  He just sat with me, talking, listening, and encouraging me.  A dear friend, and sweet sister in Christ, understood how I was feeling, corrected me in love, and shared her own personal feelings and thoughts to help me through mine.  So much love the Father has for us, and so often He uses friends and family to love on us.  So, now I want to encourage you, do not let the enemy steal your joy.  Remember that beyond the physical life and its' battles, there is a spiritual life that is waging war.  Be a Warrior, put on your armor, and fight.

Your family, friends, health, and soul are worth it.