Define healing...

"The process of making or becoming sound or healthy again". That sounds about right. I am in the process of becoming sound\healthy again. If you haven't read about the loss of a little love of mine, you can read it here. It has been two whole months since our teeny, tiny babe went home to be with our Lord. I long for the day to meet him or her. To see them the way God created them to be. To love on them the way God created me to do. 

My thoughtful and darling husband researched a few things after the loss, and one happened to be ways to cope or heal. He found that honoring their memory is a big step toward healing so we exchanged ideas and decided on something that I absolutely love. It really brings me so much joy and is a constant reminder that the King of Kings is still on the throne caring, loving, and answering me. Last night I was looking at it, and while praying and talking to my Father about baby J (that is what I nicknamed our little babe when I found out because both my husband and I have names that begin with J), I felt Him tell me it was time to share a little more. More specifically, it was time to share what we have done to honor his\her memory. I really am so excited to share this but a part of me is really nervous too. Putting myself out there and sharing something that is so intimately personal to me is scary. Part of it may be that it makes it more real too. In Romans 8:18, "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is going to be revealed to us." I am reminded all that I experience on this side of heaven is only for a brief period of time, it is not forever and it certainly does not compare to the glory that is to come. How I handle the sufferings either glorifies God or it doesn't. When I am squeezed to the point of exploding, I want it to be Jesus that comes out. It should be love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).

Before I show you the cutest thing in the world, I have to give you some back story. My husband was out of the country when I found out, but he was coming home two days later, and I knew I wanted to tell him in a sweet way. Naturally, I took to Pinterest and found the perfect thing, a onesie that said "answered prayer". Iron on letters + onesie = perfect present. It still is one of my favorite gifts I have ever given. ;) 

The top left is our very first picture of Baby J. It also happens to be the day I found out I was pregnant and the first time I heard the heartbeat. I was 6 weeks and 4 days. Top right and bottom middle (bottom middle is in 3D) are from when my husband and I went together and he got to hear the heartbeat and see Baby J. I was 7 weeks and 3 days. We went back in because I was having some bleeding but they said that the baby was healthy and growing (you can see his little arm nubs); however, that Friday is when we lost the baby (7 weeks and 6 days). 

Sharing this is so hard but so worth it. I don't want to ever feel like what happened was my fault or like it's some secret I need to keep and I certainly do not want anyone else who has walked through this to feel that way either. One in four women experience miscarriage and I just happen to be that one. You know what? It is an honor to be used by God. To share my experience is the heart of this blog so that others may see the grace and love of Christ a little more clearly and see that it is offered to us all.

The healing process is long, and some days you feel like you take two steps forward and others, like you take five steps backwards BUT there is never a day where I am left to heal on my own. My Abba Father is always with me.

When God speaks

This week has been a week of truth speaking and embracing Godly sorrow.  Not as fun and exciting as my favorite things of the week but way more beneficial.

This Sunday God spoke.  He spoke to the congregation in my church.  He spoke through my husband who gave the message.  He spoke to me directly.  It was exactly what I needed and I didn't even know it.  

In my first post I mentioned that I was made to be a momma and the struggle with doubting that sometimes.  Well, I have been feeling so proud of myself (like I do anything in my own strength) because of how God has given me peace about possibly not becoming a mother biologically.  I kept thinking He had answered me and I was okay with His answer because He is still good.  I was excited about getting an answer because I thought with being at peace about it we will get to move forward with adoption sooner since whether or not we have children biologically we were called to adopt.

Sunday I realized that I was wrong.  He hasn't given me peace about it.  He hasn't answered me, yet.  Instead, He told me "embrace this Godly sorrow"... I'm sorry, what?  Here is a little backstory, since I was younger I never really shared my feelings and still don't.  Not my deep, heartfelt feelings.  Why?  Fear of rejection, fear of being found silly for my feelings, and fear of letting people get too close just so that they can leave me again.  Honestly, you can name a thousand reasons and they will probably all fit.  That is the heart behind the blog.  Sharing more of myself so that He may be glorified.

So, here it is... I need to embrace the sorrow that comes with the fact that I may not have children biologically.  Does it hurt to think about it, let alone write about it?  Of course.  If I don't let myself embrace this sorrow, I will never heal.  I was simply bandaging the wound instead of allowing my Savior to heal it.  I know that God does not call everyone to parenthood.  I know He does not call everyone to have children biologically.  I know all of that and that is why I didn't let myself embrace that sorrow but God wants me to so that I can be broken before Him, and He can revive my heart.  Hosea 6:3 is a beautiful reminder that if I acknowledge the Lord, His strength and the work He is doing in my life, He will come to me, and He will heal me. 

Now I know many of you have a few various questions like, have we really tried?  Have we gone to the doctor to get checked out?  Have we really prayed about it?  And my answers are maybe not, it would depend on your definition of "trying".  No, and I'm not sure that it would honestly give us the answers or peace we desire; however, it is something that we are going to discuss.  And, not together as often as we should.

When God speaks one grows.  We just need to listen.  If it is just my husband and me for the rest of our lives, I will still have a full heart.  If it happens, I will be so thankful to our Father but if not, He is still good.  I was reminded on Sunday that I need to enjoy where God has me now and not get caught up in the world and its' culture.  In my Armor of God study I learned that I can sometimes let comparative righteousness rule over me.  Isn't that one of the enemy's greatest tools?  Telling us lies and leading us to compare ourselves and our lives to everyone around us.  Well, God said enough.  The imputed righteousness, which came from His death on the cross for my sins, declares me innocent before God.  No more comparing, no more letting culture determine my thinking.  Why don't we, collectively, start embracing the Godly sorrow that may come so that we may be fully healed in Him.

A few tears, and a lot of love

10 Finally, be strengthened by the Lord and by His vast strength. 11 Put on the full armor of God so that you can stand against the tactics[a] of the Devil. 12 For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the world powers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens. 13 This is why you must take up the full armor of God, so that you may be able to resist in the evil day, and having prepared everything, to take your stand. 14 Stand, therefore,

with truth like a belt around your waist,

righteousness like armor on your chest,

15 

and your feet sandaled with readiness

for the gospel of peace.[b]

16 

In every situation take the shield of faith,

and with it you will be able to extinguish

all the flaming arrows of the evil one.

17 

Take the helmet of salvation,

and the sword of the Spirit,

which is God’s word.

18 Pray at all times in the Spirit with every prayer and request, and stay alert in this with all perseverance and intercession for all the saints.

Ephesians 6:10-18.  Good stuff, eh?

My lovely DOTK (Daughter's of the King) group at church is currently in the third week of Priscilla Shirer's Armor of God study, and WHOA - it is awesome.  Remember when I wrote about how the enemy likes to declare battles when you get serious about getting serious with God?  I wasn't kidding.  This past Sunday was an incredibly difficult day for me both, spiritually and physically.  Y'all, I was a mess.  Sidenote: I still can't believe that I'm here, writing, and sharing my feelings...I just don't do this sort of thing, BUT GOD has a plan.  

Okay, so I was a mess.  Like Kim Kardashian mess.  See below for visual:

 

I was mess for numerous reasons, insecurity, doubting God, irritation with my husband (he seriously is the best, I'm sensitive to a fault), just to name a few.  And for most of the day I was ugly, angry, distraught, and sad until I remembered what Priscilla shares in the first week of this study, "The most troubling things in your life - things you perceive with your five physical senses - are not your real issue.  Though you may be wrestling with them verbally, emotionally, financially, even physically, you are wasting precious time and energy that needs to be reserved for the real culprit - the one who is behind the scenes, striving to direct the details of some of your most acute difficulties.  Everything that occurs in the visible, physical world is directly connected to the wrestling match being waged in the invisible, spiritual world.". 

Caught ya! Ya sneaky, little snake. What I've learned is that the enemy wants us to forget about him.  He wants us to blame and hate everything, and everyone.  When we do this, we let him win.  We allow ourselves to get caught up in the world around us, things that take place in our personal lives, and anything else that doesn't go as planned or as smooth as we would like and we totally forget who is behind it all - the enemy.  Granted, sometimes things happen in order for God to grab our attention, and for Him to teach us something, but Holy Spirit will help you discern that.  

God has blessed me with a husband who is patient, and loving.  He just sat with me, talking, listening, and encouraging me.  A dear friend, and sweet sister in Christ, understood how I was feeling, corrected me in love, and shared her own personal feelings and thoughts to help me through mine.  So much love the Father has for us, and so often He uses friends and family to love on us.  So, now I want to encourage you, do not let the enemy steal your joy.  Remember that beyond the physical life and its' battles, there is a spiritual life that is waging war.  Be a Warrior, put on your armor, and fight.

Your family, friends, health, and soul are worth it. 

I've already failed at blogging

Yes, you read the title right...I've already failed at blogging - at least that is what I initially thought.  Literally, my words were, "it's been THREE weeks and I have already failed".  Well, friends, I did some research and guess what?  I can post as often as I want!  Snaps for you if you already knew this. (side note: "snaps" is a reference to Legally Blonde 2 and the 'snap cup' ;) ).  It was a relief to realize just because in my mind I wanted to post once a week and it didn't quite pan out that way, that I didn't totally fail at blogging so snaps for Jess! 

So about a week and a half ago I wrote the start to, what would have been, my third post; however, I read over it and realized that was not what God wanted me to share, not yet anyway.  Instead, I feel Him leading me to write about the awful 'f word' we all hate...not that f word, the other one - failure.  I have talked about discipline and with discipline comes the possibility of failure.  I'm going to fill you in on my current goals and what is going on with me.  

Okay, so I signed up for a 31 day challenge for the month of October.  If you know me then you already know that it was with Tone It Up .  I've been following this fabulous, online fitness duo for about three years and just became an official member (insert the huge, grinning emoji here).  Whoa, major side track - sorry.  So goal number one: follow the challenge workouts everyday.  Along with that challenge comes an entire meal plan.  Goal number two: stick to the nutrition plan.  I'll be honest here, I'm sticking to it about 80%.  Friends, this is where I look back at what I've accomplished in 5 days and think, "awesome, I'm failing miserably".  I missed days two and three of working out so that means my challenge actually ends November 2nd AND I've somewhat failed following the nutrition plan.  I get so frustrated with myself and it makes me just want to quit (I know you all can relate); however, this time is different.  My mind set is different.  What's the saying? Fall down 7 times get up 8.  That is what I'm planning to do, get up and not stay down, throwing my own pity party.  Goal number three (and the most important to me): get up early to pray.  So this one I started this week and so far I've gotten two out of three days.  The reason why this one is so important to me is because everything rises and falls on what my prayer life is like.  If I am committing my day to the Lord and spending time in His presence before the craziness of life sets in, then I have a better chance of everything else going fairly smoothly.  And if it doesn't, at least I know the day was committed to my Father and He knew all that was going to take place before it actually did.  Goal number four: read my Bible through the year.  Fail, with a capital F.  I felt so bad about being three days behind that I re-started and missed the second day.  (Insert wining emoji here - clearly, I like emoji's).

As you can see, on my "goals report card" I have received mostly F's.  Through this process I've realized that I need to give myself some G's.  What is that letter grade you ask?  Grace.  I need to give myself grace.  My Father in heaven, loves me and says that I am worthy of His grace, and so are you.

John 1:16 says, " For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace."   - My seester (my beautiful sister-in-love who is also my absolute best friend. Ever. Aside from my hubby, of course.) loves this verse and I understand why.  It speaks a little louder to me now than before, perhaps because I'm learning more about grace, the grace I am given, and the grace I should extend.

We have to extend ourselves grace too.  Whatever it is that you feel like you are failing miserably at, extend YOURSELF grace.  You are beautiful.  You are worthy.  You are valuable.  Don't believe me?  Read what God has to say about you in His word.  

Song of Solomon 4:7

You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.

Proverbs 31:10

Who can find a virtuous wife?  For her worth is far above rubies.

Luke 12:6-7

Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows.