This Sunday God spoke. He spoke to the congregation in my church. He spoke through my husband who gave the message. He spoke to me directly. It was exactly what I needed and I didn't even know it.
In my first post I mentioned that I was made to be a momma and the struggle with doubting that sometimes. Well, I have been feeling so proud of myself (like I do anything in my own strength) because of how God has given me peace about possibly not becoming a mother biologically. I kept thinking He had answered me and I was okay with His answer because He is still good. I was excited about getting an answer because I thought with being at peace about it we will get to move forward with adoption sooner since whether or not we have children biologically we were called to adopt.
Sunday I realized that I was wrong. He hasn't given me peace about it. He hasn't answered me, yet. Instead, He told me "embrace this Godly sorrow"... I'm sorry, what? Here is a little backstory, since I was younger I never really shared my feelings and still don't. Not my deep, heartfelt feelings. Why? Fear of rejection, fear of being found silly for my feelings, and fear of letting people get too close just so that they can leave me again. Honestly, you can name a thousand reasons and they will probably all fit. That is the heart behind the blog. Sharing more of myself so that He may be glorified.
So, here it is... I need to embrace the sorrow that comes with the fact that I may not have children biologically. Does it hurt to think about it, let alone write about it? Of course. If I don't let myself embrace this sorrow, I will never heal. I was simply bandaging the wound instead of allowing my Savior to heal it. I know that God does not call everyone to parenthood. I know He does not call everyone to have children biologically. I know all of that and that is why I didn't let myself embrace that sorrow but God wants me to so that I can be broken before Him, and He can revive my heart. Hosea 6:3 is a beautiful reminder that if I acknowledge the Lord, His strength and the work He is doing in my life, He will come to me, and He will heal me.
Now I know many of you have a few various questions like, have we really tried? Have we gone to the doctor to get checked out? Have we really prayed about it? And my answers are maybe not, it would depend on your definition of "trying". No, and I'm not sure that it would honestly give us the answers or peace we desire; however, it is something that we are going to discuss. And, not together as often as we should.
When God speaks one grows. We just need to listen. If it is just my husband and me for the rest of our lives, I will still have a full heart. If it happens, I will be so thankful to our Father but if not, He is still good. I was reminded on Sunday that I need to enjoy where God has me now and not get caught up in the world and its' culture. In my Armor of God study I learned that I can sometimes let comparative righteousness rule over me. Isn't that one of the enemy's greatest tools? Telling us lies and leading us to compare ourselves and our lives to everyone around us. Well, God said enough. The imputed righteousness, which came from His death on the cross for my sins, declares me innocent before God. No more comparing, no more letting culture determine my thinking. Why don't we, collectively, start embracing the Godly sorrow that may come so that we may be fully healed in Him.
